Man versus Woman Gender Jokes Humor and Satire
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  • 2009
    • May
      • Differences
        05/07/09
        If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

        And when the check come

      • Attitude
        05/07/09
        A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As the bride undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big guy, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

        She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I

      • Bad Weather
        05/07/09
        A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

        Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook

  • 2008
    • July
      • Married Men Only
        07/17/08
        In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

        Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?

    • June
      • Short Gender Jokes #1
        06/25/08
        Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
        Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
        Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
        Hubby: "Yes! I see your pi

    • May
      • Men vs Women #2
        05/23/08
        Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man mar

      • Men vs Women #1
        05/23/08
        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

        A successful man is one who makes more money than his

      • It Is Better To Be A Woman
        05/16/08
        1. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

        2. We can cry and get out of speeding tickets.

        3. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

        4. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
        <

      • About Men #2
        05/11/08
        How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
        Both of them.

        Why did the man cross the road?
        He heard the chicken was a slut.

        How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
        He buys two cases of beer.

        Why a

      • Genie
        05/04/08
        A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

        The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes s

    • April
      • About Men
        04/24/08
        Q. What did God say after creating Adam
        A. I must be able to do better than that.

        Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
        A. Put the remote control between his toes.

        Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
        A. A widow.

        Q.

      • What Men Are Like
        04/23/08
        Men are like pears.
        The older they get, the softer they get.

        Men are like the weather.
        Nothing can be done to change them.

        Men are like food processors.
        You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

        Men are like commercials.
        You can't

      • If Men Wrote The Rules
        04/04/08
        Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

        Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

        Rule # 3

    • March
      • Men Just Can't Win
        03/20/08
        If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
        If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

        If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
        If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear en

      • What Women Really Mean
        03/13/08
        I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
        Without you in it.

        DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
        We haven't had a fight in a while.

        NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
        You cheap slob!

        I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
        I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

      • A Man's Advice To A Woman
        03/06/08
        Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

        If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

        Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
      • At His Side
        03/03/08
        A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness.

        When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hands and said meaning

    • February
      • Yard Work
        02/28/08
        A husband and his wife who have been married twenty years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

        So the man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill."

      • No Need For Marriage Counseling
        02/27/08
        A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He

      • About Men
        02/25/08
        1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

        2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

        3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

        4. Never let your man's mind wander -

      • A Man's Brain Cells
        02/23/08
        Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

        "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
      • Gender Joke One Liners #5
        02/21/08
        Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

        Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

        You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big H

      • Gender Joke One Liners #4
        02/21/08
        According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

        The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

        How do most men define marriage?
        A very expensive way to get your lau

      • Gender Joke One Liners #3
        02/20/08
        Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

        Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
        ** The Engagement Ring
        ** The Wedding Ring
        ** The Suffe-Ring
        ** The Endu-Ring

        First gu

      • Gender Joke One Liners #2
        02/18/08
        There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
        They got married, and now he is going through hell.

        There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

        Married life is full of excitemen

      • Gender Joke One Liners #1
        02/16/08
        Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
        You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

        After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
        She re

      • Proof Computers Are Female
        02/14/08
        5. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

        4. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

        3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

        2. The native language used to communicate with o

      • Great To Be A Man #5
        02/14/08
        1. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.

        2. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

        3. One mood, all the time.

        4. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

        5. Y

      • Great To Be A Man #4
        02/14/08
        1. Flowers fix everything.

        2. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

        3. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

        4. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

        5. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

        6. You can sa

      • Great To Be A Man #3
        02/14/08
        1. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

        2. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

        3. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

        4. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

        5. The National College Cheerlead

      • Great To Be A Man #2
        02/14/08
        1. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

        2. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

        3. Your last name stays put.

        4. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

        5. When your work is criticized, you don't have

      • Great To Be A Man #1
        02/14/08
        1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

        2. You know stuff about tanks.

        3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

        4. Monday Night Football.

        5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

        6. You can open all your own jars.
        <

      • Equations
        02/13/08
        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

      • A Father's Dating Rules
        02/12/08
        Rule One:
        If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

        Rule Two:
        You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If

      • First Date
        02/10/08
        It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you.&qu

      • Talking
        02/08/08
        Women Talking About A Haircut

        Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

        Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

        Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love

      • Needs
        02/06/08
        Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

        But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

        The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotio

      • More What Men Say And What They Mean
        02/05/08
        OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

        HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

        I

      • What Men Say And What They Mean
        02/05/08
        IT'S A GUY THING. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and I have no chance at all of making it logical."

        CAN I HELP WITH DINNER? "Why isn't it already on the table?"

        UH HUH or SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR. This means absolutely no

      • More Definitions For Women
        02/04/08
        Grocery List. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

        Hair Dresser. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

        Hardware Store. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes i

      • Definitions For Women
        02/04/08
        Argument. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

        Airhead. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

        Bar-be-que. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, m